Words Gone Unheard
by myonlinelifeismorephantastic
Summary: A voice doesn't have to be spoken for its thoughts to be heard. Meaning can be made through silence just as well because there's that age old saying: actions speak louder than words and being deaf, for Dan, nothing has ever been closer to the truth.
1. Chapter 1

**_AN: So I would have been waaaaay too nervous to post this if it weren't for my absolutely amazing beta 'listentomeimcool' over on Wattpad who helped with lots of encouragement and editing tips XD so a shoutout and all the love Finn 333_**

 _He was sort of beautiful_ , Phil decided after a good few minutes the fringed boy had spent watching the other from across the room. There was something about the way this boy's slim body ebbed and flowed just _slightly_ out of sync with the pounding base of the dance track reverberating throughout the dimly lit room. It was rather like he was dancing to a soundtrack of his own formation instead of following along with everyone else, and it was that fact that drew Phil's eyes.

There was something about the way what little light there was, the colourful spotlights that danced with better timing than the boy, crossed like a kaleidoscope across his tanned skin. Something about the fact this boy seemed to be totally alone, at least as far as Phil could tell, and yet, even with the merciless throng of unfamiliar people threatening to push in from all sides, he danced on, completely at ease with what he was doing. _It was rather brave of him_ , Phil believed, to be so confident in himself when around him there moved so much opportunity for judgment.

It was for a similar fear that Phil himself was _not_ dancing. He wasn't even sure he liked this song all that much; nothing about it appealed to his tastes apart from the way it made his brown haired boy from across the room move. Earlier in the night Phil had been questioning why he'd even bothered exposing himself to this harsh atmosphere at all, but this mysterious dancer had clarified all of that for him. This display Phil had been given the chance to appreciate made the whole night worth it, reassured him that falling slowly in love with someone you didn't even know _could_ happen. All it took was a little intrigue.

Over the course of the evening Phil found himself moving closer, heart rate increasing with each step, but the ever-loud beat was drowning out all thoughts of backing down. Phil couldn't turn back _now_ , not when there was such a magnetic pull he felt towards the dancing boy, like a trusting voice but one which called out to him silently. _Go meet him. Go fall in love with that fascinating boy. The one who doesn't care what others think. The one who's strong enough to find his own rhythm to life. Hear what he has to say._

The dense crowd made the whole endeavor harder, but nothing could stand in Phil's way. The music was louder here, the pounding vibrations echoing in his chest or was that maybe just his heart beat?

There wasn't much of a plan put in place at this point; the whole idea behind the night had been to let loose a little anyway, and that meant no careful fabrication or meticulous detailing of how the next conversation should be played out. Phil didn't let himself take even a moment to overthink, instead launching himself headfirst into the unknown with an enthusiastic greeting.

'Hey!'

Although he practically shouted, the brunet boy didn't appear to have heard, even when Phil had manipulated their positions so he'd brought them right in line. _To his credit_ , Phil reasoned with himself, it _was_ impossibly loud, and the brown haired boy had been lost in his own world all night; no reason to think Phil's interest in him had changed any of that.

Trying again, Phil spoke louder, hoping the element of flirtatiousness would not be lost to the volume. This time perseverance paid off, or perhaps the dancing boy just happened to make a small spin in the right direction because it was still _so_ loud in here. Either way, blue eyes met brown with a smile that was returned, a very attractive grin actually, in the case of the brunet, that quite clearly communicated to Phil the invitation to keep speaking. That, and the small wave the taller boy gave back as he continued to move to the music, albeit less vigorously now Phil was here.

'Loud in here, huh?' Suddenly nervous, Phil blurted out the first thought that came to his head. Well, technically it was the second because the first was still somewhat preoccupied with how much more beautiful his brown boy was up close, so much brown, hair, eyes, _so warm_ , Phil thought. It was too loud to be able to think much else coherently, however, it was for that reason communication was not going to be at its best in this crowded room.

Unable to hear the pretty blue eyed boy who had come over, there was a moment of confusion that passed between the two. Phil cringed internally as he watched his dancer frown back, shaking his head and pointing to his ear. An unnecessary indication to the fact that he couldn't hear-Phil hadn't even been able to hear himself- Phil wondered if perhaps he were making a sarcastic joke, but it was hard to tell because those pink, _pink_ lips were now curling into a somewhat apologetic smile.

Making a decision before he was ready, Phil found himself laughing and, using the crowd as leverage, allowing the throbbing mass of people to force him closer to the other boy, he leant further forward, trying again with another attempt at humor while also trying not to feel so stupid.

'So loud I can't even hear myself think,' he joked, trying to enunciate the words as well as he could and not stutter, as he could feel his dancing boy's eyes watching his lips carefully, a signal that made Phil very giddy indeed, especially considering how close they now were.

Much to Phil's disappointment, however, his brown haired boy appeared to not hear once more and Phil wanted to kick himself as soon as he saw the uncomfortable apology cross the boy's face, hiding a concentrated effort to understand, but it was just too damn loud in here. Phil wasn't really sure _what_ his plan had been here exactly, so he didn't know if he should offer for them to move somewhere quieter as the other pointed to his ear once more, shaking his head. It was clear this time, however, the action had _not_ been a sarcastic joke and Phil could feel his face heating up with how awkward he felt. Guess it was really just too loud in this club for a casual conversation, but then again, Phil thought, _that was probably the point_.

 _You really can't hear me_ , Phil admitted to himself in defeat, giving up and wanting to sink into non-existence. As he maybe should have realised, a loud club like this probably wasn't the best place to pick up guys, if at all that was what he'd been aiming for. Phil still wasn't sure if he'd only been interested in a one night stand kind of deal, or if there was something deeper about the boy he'd set his sights on that he would like to explore. Either way, communication was key, and for that the ability to hear was an essential, Phil decided.

'Sorry, I can speak louder!' Phil offered, desperately feeling he was fast approaching the moment where it would become less embarrassing to just walk away and allow himself to disappear into the crowd, but he really didn't want to resort to that. He hoped a combined effect of his increase in volume and proximity, oh my god were they close now, would work its wonders, but to everyone's frustration, Phil's efforts remained in vain. It was confusing, however, and Phil wasn't sure how much louder he could get without being obnoxious- already he'd received several glares- but his brown haired boy could only shrug apologetically, shaking his head once more, and Phil was out of options. It seemed like he'd just have to give up.

About to open his mouth to apologize for wasting the boy's time, slumping in his skin at the rejection of the boy who clearly only wanted to dance- he was probably just trying to let Phil down easy- something unexpected happened that changed the outcome drastically. As Phil was about the speak, his dancer's smile changed from apologetic to what was unmistakably a flirty grin, and Phil froze as the brown haired boy brought himself closer, their hips now brushing, very sensual considering the boy was still moving gently to the music, carrying Phil along. Phil wasn't given a moment's rest to recover before the boy was placing a single finger over Phil's lips and giving him a suggestive look, nodding back out towards the dance floor and not waiting for the answer before taking both of Phil's hands and leading blue eyes closer to brown, deeper into the crowd. This was a gesture that clearly said:

 _We don't need to talk to have a good time._

And Phil wasn't going to be one to complain, even if dancing wasn't _quite_ his forte; he was hardly going to say no when the option offered involved a very attractive member of the human population pulling him in closer and closer.

Closer and closer still, until warm brown eyes were only a mere few centimeters away from clear blue ones, not even a significant distance really, but not the only great thing to concentrate on. It would be hard not to be enthralled by the feeling of a pair of hands inching their way further down your back, gripping your hips not tightly, but _firmly_ , a hold that communicated the need for close contact. Phil couldn't catch his breath as, foreheads pressed lightly together, they began to sway, the other boy helping Phil keep time with everyone else around them. The music was still loud and it was still obnoxious, more of a throbbing, although that could have been Phil's heart again, but he found he really did like this song after all. Already he was getting much more than he'd really bargained from the night.

A shallower person, or perhaps just someone looking for more adventure, may have been able to spend an entire evening dancing with a stranger and leave it at that. For someone who wasn't Phil, it may have been enough simply to enjoy the time they were allowed to be close to someone as amazing as the brown haired dancer, but for Phil, even an entire night and well into the early morning would never be enough. The more time he spent wrapped in the boy's arms, staring into those depthless brown eyes, the more desperate he grew to never let go.

It was around two in the morning Phil finally decided, _I can't let tonight end here_. There _had_ been a deeper connection there, he was sure of it, certainly there was an undeniable chemistry that had played out like static between the two boys since the moment they'd shared a glance. He was sure the other boy _must_ have felt it too, and surely, if he'd felt anything even a third the strength of what Phil had felt, he wouldn't be ready to let go either when the time came. That was how by the time people began filing out and going home, Phil found himself relatively alone in an alleyway outside the club, still standing oh, so close to the boy whose beauty had not faded, but somehow grown ten-fold over the course of the evening. Neither boy spoke for a while as the world fell silent around them for the first time that evening, the general babble of people fading as the crowd moved away, the pounding music slower now and less penetrating into the night air outside the building.

For the first time that night it was quiet enough to think clearly, but Phil remained at a loss for words. Just what did you say when the intimacy had already begun but you hadn't even shared names? He felt both trapped under the pressure of making the next few moments count, but already so comfortable around the other boy it was like he'd known him for so much longer than only a few hours. In reality though, Phil knew he knew nothing about the boy, _but I need to know more_.

'I had a lot of fun with you tonight,' Phil admitted after the few moments where the pressure to speak up won out. It was strange hearing himself talk after a night of words gone unheard, but that definitely didn't mean Phil was prepared for the response he was about to receive, prepared for hearing his beautiful dancing boy speak for the first time to him, the words he'd remember the rest of his life, and the words that never actually came.

The other boy looked pained for a moment and for a second Phil was frozen with the fear of the thought that his dancer, guessing Phil's intentions, was about to turn around and say, as much as Phil didn't, he needed the night to end here.

The brown haired boy didn't say that. In fact, he said nothing at all. Instead of whatever Phil had feared or hoped for, the boy only shook his head, repeating his gesture from inside the club and pointing at his ear. He looked confused, opening his mouth, lips forming a word that looked like an apology but no sound came out. It took only a second for the revelation to dawn on Phil, shedding new light like the morning sun, able to think clearly now in the new day.

 _Oh, he's deaf._

Reeling in shock, although everything was fitting into place now, the first reflex Phil had was to clamp a hand over his mouth and squeak out an embarrassed 'I'm sorry', but his second reaction, following very quickly afterwards, almost immediately, was the realisation that if the boy could lip read at all Phil having his hand over his mouth wasn't going to help matters.

'I'm so sorry,' Phil repeated once he'd gotten smart enough to remove his hand, speaking the words as clearly as he could, trying to get the other boy to understand even without hearing the apology itself. Phil hoped his expression could convey most of his simple meaning well enough, even though he was still a little shocked. This _clearly_ explained why his brown haired dancer hadn't been able to hear and Phil felt rather stupid for only picking up on that now. _It's sort of obvious now, isn't it_ , he thought, berating himself.

Luckily, Phil was let off for his mistake he assumed, as while at first the brunet raised his hands in front of him, clearly, Phil saw now, a reflex to begin to sign something back, he quickly lowered them once more, frowning, obviously realizing the man in front of him would probably be able to understand sign language just about as well as _he_ could hear the blue-eyed pretty boy speak. So instead, having to resort to some crude form of 'signing', Phil continued to smile apologetically, cheeks flushed, as the other boy shrugged and gave a casual nod of his head as if to shake it off, accept Phil's apology, and say it was all okay.

That was a relief, but Phil wasn't sure what to say next. There were so many things he knew he _wanted_ to say, only no way he could think of right now to communicate any of that to the boy who was staring intently at Phil's lips, waiting for him to speak. Phil faltered, mouth opening and closing a few times as he struggled, ever conscious he was probably making this a million times harder for his brown haired boy. The tension was broken, however, where after intense frowning from both sides and a temporary worry that perhaps there was just an incompatibility between the two that neither boy had expected, the confusion had reached a tipping point.

The brunet, too frustrated with trying to get by with reading the lips of the clearly desperate blue eyed boy as he spoke, held up a quick hand, refraining from placing a finger over the other boy's mouth as he had done so last time, but only just. It was a shame to hold himself back, the brown eyed boy thought, but over the course of the night he'd become more and more enthralled with this boy and, despite their inability to communicate right now, he'd never wanted to know someone more than the desire he felt now for this one with the pretty blue eyes. He didn't want tonight, or rather this morning, to go like so many of his other club trips: a silent night spent performing acts that generally didn't leave much room for chit chat anyway. For once the brunet felt a stronger pull to this man for reasons he needed to explore further to discover.

He was still sad to lose his excuse to stare at the blue eyed boy's just as brightly pink lips, but what could be done? He didn't even know this interesting boy's name and the brunet needed to take this chance with him before it was lost. After all, he wasn't used to someone sticking around so long after finding out about his silent condition.

Phil sighed a deep sigh of relief as he realised what the other boy was doing, the plan clear as soon as the brown eyed boy had dug his phone from his pocket. Phil watched intently as the boy tapped on the screen, creatively skirting around the language barrier they'd encountered. All was not lost after all.

The message was passed over and it was like breaking through the surface of a wave from underwater, a struggle and unknown overcome, giving way to clarity like a breath of fresh air. Like even after everything tonight, the two boys could only _now_ share the same space.

 _Sorry, I can read lips but it's not really a permanent solution, it's sort of hard to concentrate on for too long and I get a bit of a headache but you can type things to me, my names Dan by the way hi :)_

Smiling as he read the other boy's words for the first time, Phil felt a greater pull of attraction towards him. He wasn't exactly sure he'd performed at his best so far tonight, but his brunet dancer, _Dan_ , didn't seem to mind too much. If anything, by the way he stood now, leaning forward slightly with a soft smile on his face, he seemed almost eager, transforming before Phil's eyes from the sensual mystery inside the club to something much more human and much more interesting. Dan. _It's a nice name, suits him._

Itching for proper communication and trembling with the excitement of what might happen next, Phil quickly tapped out his reply beneath, but chose his words carefully.

 _Hi :D I'm Phil, sorry for not understanding earlier, guess I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed haha ;)_

Phil was nervous as he passed Dan's phone back, noticing a spark of electricity when their fingers brushed that he hoped never went away. It had been there between their contact all night, but Phil was on edge now, the single dominating thought in his head being that he'd once again been awkward enough to turn the guy away and maybe he was about to miss his chance with Dan like he had so many others.

Dan, however, was going through his own worries in his mind. So far Phil had stuck around a while, but that, of course, had been before he'd admitted the whole deafness part to him. In his experience not many hearing people wanted to pursue a relationship with someone who could never hear them, but maybe Phil was different. Or maybe he wasn't. _Is a relationship even what I'm looking for here_? Dan worried, biting his lip as he looked down from Phil's pretty face to the phone screen to read his words.

 _Well, he hasn't escaped yet_ , Dan reasoned, reading Phil's words and smiling, feeling his cheeks warming too, ever conscious of Phil's eyes on him. Both boys possessed a nervous quality right now, battling their separate worries, the excited anxiety that followed the potential they had for something good here if they could just overcome those fears.

Dan knew he had no other option but to confess to Phil and, as he typed the words, it was impossible to tell if he was shaking from nerves, asking that vital question, or if it was nothing more than the cold night air that unconsciously brought both boys closer, seeking warmth and something more from each other.

Phil, however, was engulfed by the biggest wave of relief when he saw what Dan had passed over to him with trembling hands. As faces went, Phil so far had found Dan's to be particularly expressive, relatively easy to read, giving away thoughts that could find no other way out. Already Phil had realised he was relying on Dan's expression and his body language far more than he was used to and so far, paying close attention to every small twitch of his smile and sparkle in his eyes had been pretty amazing. Because of this Phil had grown more so worried as soon as he'd noticed the tension furrowing itself in Dan's brow. Up until he'd read Dan's last note, it had been an unknown tension that Phil feared may have been the outward expression of something much worse than it turned out to be.

 _I hope this doesn't change anything between us_ , Dan had written, and the petrified expression he'd held watching Phil read it had just made Phil want to pull the taller boy into the biggest hug ever. It was easy to see where the fear might have come from, but to Phil, he just couldn't see what difference it would make and his reply was confused and concerned, just like the expression he held now typing his response and passing it over.

 _No, not at all Dan. Why should it? I'm not that shallow._

It was only some uncomfortable past experiences that Dan still had in mind that stopped him from breaking into a big smile at Phil's innocence to the situation he'd walked into. And as much as Dan wanted just to accept maybe Phil was different, he just couldn't risk it this time, being let down so many times before. Phil had to know what he was getting himself into.

 _A lot of people change their mind about me once I tell them I'm deaf._

Dan allowed his hope to grow, however, when the expression he registered in Phil's crystal blue eyes remained to be not one of discomfort at the situation, but rather still somewhere between remorse and confusion. This Dan could take to be an excellent sign as soon as he read Phil's quick reply, feeling the ever strong spark when their hands brushed once more.

 _Well I think that's really stupid. Those people are really stupid. They're missing out._

Dan's grin grew with each word of Phil's, reaching its peak once he'd glanced up from the phone and found himself lost in Phil's eyes, sharing a moment of understanding that would have been ruined by any noise, Dan thought. Phil's soft smile coupled with a small blush was just perfect silent, in his opinion. Smiling brightly at that, Dan typed out his reply to the rather brilliant thing his new crush had just said, growing to quite like the way Phil kept his eyes trained carefully, almost delicately, on Dan's hands as his thumbs swiped deftly over the keyboard.

 _Maybe you're a little sharper than you think ;)_

Truthfully, something as simple as this basic human acceptance shouldn't have been the thing to make Dan this happy; it wasn't exactly much to ask for but unfortunately, past experience told the brunet not everyone chose to be as open minded as Phil. A real shame, but Dan was going to take his wins and pretend for a moment the whole world was as it should be: like Phil.

Passing the phone back, it was Phil's turn to grin uncontrollably now as he read Dan's reply, then looked up to see how the emoticon translated into a much more distracting flirty grin in real life. _It was odd_ , Phil decided then, flirting essentially over text message like this, when he was so used to having to tackle that task out loud, but while different that wasn't to say it was harder. If anything, Phil found he was liking Dan more and more every second, and considering only a few hours ago he'd been unsure as to whether he'd even want to _speak_ to the mystery boy, this was saying quite a lot. Phil had never felt such feelings of excitement accelerate so quickly and he put it down to the removed pressure typing his thoughts out provided, although, if he'd looked more carefully, maybe he'd have realised like Dan did, that it was simply a matter of the undeniable chemistry that resonated between them already, drew them together and made everything flow, made everything a little more magical. Things were definitely headed in a positive direction and now each boys' worries had been pretty much washed over there was an awful lot of grinning going on back and forth.

 _Maybe ;)_ , Phil answered, smiling as he did so. _I did have a lot of fun tonight with you, though...I was wondering if maybe you'd like to see me again some time, or have I screwed any chance of that up by being the single most awkward person in existence?_

With Phil's last text Dan laughed kindly, warm waves of emotion spilling over and breaking his usual silence. The sound touched Phil somewhere deeper inside than his heart, somewhere that had lay dormant for quite a while, but which the most heart-melting smile Dan gave him now unlocked. He was definitely starting to like this whole flirty beginning to things, but what was best was knowing it could probably only get better from here.

 _You didn't screw up. It_ was _loud in there ;P I'd love to see you again sometime._

This time both boys were laughing as Phil started and Dan just had to join in because god, _doesn't Phil just look gorgeous when he laughs?_

So what started out as nothing more than a small spark of interest had grown into a night of some special form of intimacy that no one could explain the significance of, and now was threatening to grow bigger and stronger still. The building euphoria tainting the air was the product of the promise that was shared now, a silent bond that could be heard loud and clear regardless by both boys. A chemistry between two souls, yes, but a deeper vow made to acceptance of one another, and already a deeper commitment not to let something as insignificant as silence get in their way.

An increasing silence over time may be the death of other relationships, or an immediate deal breaker when possessed at the start, but for Phil he hoped neither would be the case. All he saw when he looked at Dan was not a challenge or a struggle, but a beautiful intricacy of a human being he couldn't wait to explore; he wanted to savour every last of the smallest expressions Dan made, searching for even just the smallest of clues into his mind. Phil wanted to know this boy inside and out now, and he made sure Dan could tell he wasn't going to turn around and change his mind if it got a little difficult down the road.

 _How does Friday sound then?_ Phil asked, confident Dan would say yes now.

 _I don't know, I've never heard it ;P but I bet it would make a great day for a date._

Phil smiled softly at Dan's joke regarding the choice of words, but the most important thing was it had been a yes. The intriguing brown haired dancer from a few hours ago was now an amazing guy called Dan who was _going on a date_ with Phil, and the only thing better than that was that Phil could see in Dan's eyes he was just as happy about that prospect as Phil was.

 _I'll give you a call_ \- Phil began to type before backtracking once he remembered a phone call here would be utterly useless. _I'll text you then_ , he corrected before passing the phone back, and with Dan's answering smile lighting up his whole being, Phil didn't even need to see Dan's reply on the screen to know how excited they both were. Although it would be sort of important that Phil _did_ read Dan's reply when the phone was once more passed over, as it highlighted the key point Phil had been a little too distracted by the adrenaline of the situation to remember just yet.

 _You're gonna need my number first, aren't you? ;)_

The smug grin that Dan gave to Phil along with the phone had 'flirt' written all over it, and Phil could immediately feel his cheeks warm in response to forgetting such an obvious thing. If it wasn't for Dan, Phil probably would have walked off completely oblivious, only to be heart-broken later. Luckily, however, apparently Dan wasn't _quite_ as love struck as Phil, so one of them had some amount of common sense left that hadn't been addled by the chemicals of attraction at least.

 _Excellent point..._ Phil typed awkwardly in reply, but thinking his own humility was something he could deal with just fine if it made Dan laugh like he was now again. He _did_ wish he wouldn't blush so easily, however, under Dan's affectionate gaze as he fumbled in the pocket of his skinny jeans to retrieve the phone. In any other circumstance he might have been embarrassed too by the Adventure Time phone case, but that was also made better by Dan's smile as he took the phone from Phil. So far it seemed Dan could cure Phil of just about anything.

By the time Phil's phone was handed back he was grinning again, seeing Dan's name as the newly entered contact staring back at him on the bright screen. :Dan Howell, _because why not be lame in the most adorable, cutest way possible and turn the 'D' into a smiley face_ , Phil thought as he met Dan's gaze once more with an affectionate smile.

 _So Friday then?_ Phil typed out the confirmation text quickly, pressing send and waiting anxiously for the receiving vibration on the other end. When it came Dan was smiling once more, looking up to meet Phil's gaze however, instead of replying again by phone. Nodding in agreement, Phil's heart all but exploded with joy as the two boys shared what was only one of the first of many smiles to come, Phil was sure. With the next text that came through the wide grin remained, Phil's cheeks starting to hurt, but it was the best sort of pain, he thought.

 _Take me somewhere nice ;),_ Dan had sent back, Phil reading the words quickly, eager to return to staring at Dan. He nodded this time, watching Dan's face split into a grin as wide as his own as he looked back down at the phone, tapping out another quick text.

 _It was lovely meeting you, Phil._

The sky was pitch black, well past the middle of the night, and it was England so god, was it freezing outside, but Phil was sure he'd never felt warmer. _Likewise_ , he responded before there was an intimate pause in the conversation. A moment spent where nothing was said, not that Phil would have been able to hear over the beating of his wild heart anyway as Dan was drawing closer, affectionate smile coming closer. The gentle feel of Dan's soft touch on Phil's cheek left everything tingling and Phil was warm, but he was frozen into stillness as Dan leant closest and only a second before it happened did Phil know what it would be.

One of the softest kisses was pressed up against Phil's cheek then; more than just flirting, more than just affection. Phil could feel in Dan's expression when he pulled back that it had been a kiss of thanks, not that Phil felt he deserved that, but he was glad to make the beautiful brunet boy happy either way. Now it was the only thing he ever wanted to do for the rest of his life, what else could make him feel this way?

There was one more shared smile in the dark, as soft as the kiss at first, the silent connection strengthening in the moment before the smile turned flirty grin from Dan's end as he turned away. Giving Phil a small wave before walking away, eventually Dan moved out of sight, leaving Phil to slump back against the wall trying to catch his breath, all with the most overinflated sense of ecstasy he could possibly imagine from a night out. _What got better than this?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks again to listentomeimcool over on Wattpad (that traitor XD) for being the most amazing beta in the fanfiction world for this chapter too! 333**

Nobody ever tried to pretend the situation they were in would be easy. Phil had known from the start there would probably be some challenges along the way and he'd been prepared for that; every relationship would have their troubles at _some_ stage. Being with Dan, though, was something so far beyond all of that that Phil didn't even need to stop and think about his reasons for being there, he just couldn't imagine things any other way. What he hadn't been prepared for, however, was the idea _Dan_ would get frustrated too, but after a several perfect weeks Phil realised this was beginning to happen more and more.

He wasn't going to give up; that would have been the insultingly simple solution and he'd promised Dan far better than that. Phil wasn't sure he'd actually be able to bring himself to just _leave_ Dan anyway, because his brunet dancer had quickly become his everything and he was falling harder than he knew was even possible. One day, however, apparently a bit of a breaking point was reached, forming the basis of that first fight that had been building from the start.

Everything started calm, a sort of calm before the storm, however, but the day _had_ been fine up until that point. They'd been moving relatively fast, despite the difficulties; how deeply Phil felt for Dan acting as the catalyst, rapidly increasing his rate of adjustment to an accelerated pace far beyond what he would have expected. The concept of being with Dan was both so different, but also so normal when compared to anyone else Phil had ever had the chance to pursue something with. None of them before were quite as brilliant as Dan, however.

So things had been going strong for about two months as yet, and as far as Phil was concerned, their relationship was much the same as anyone else's. Sure, they tended to stay in most nights because without captioning the cinema wasn't a date option, and Dan had decided they'd received too many dirty glares or sarcastic mutterings about _'the youth of today, always on their damn phones_ ' when they'd been talking at a restaurant. So instead, a pretty happy routine had been set up, most nights spent at Dan's apartment that Phil was quickly turning into his home away from home.

Phil would stop off there on his way home from work, most days spending the night anyway, but if not, at least a few hours he'd spend catching up with Dan in addition to quite a lot of time dedicated to the quiet kisses and caresses they both loved. Nothing was better than simply being in each other's company after a long day.

That had been the plan for this particular evening, starting when Phil had gone over with the wide smile on his face that grew upon hearing Dan's dog Colin come to life the other side of the door in response to his knock. A few moments passed in which Colin spent obediently retrieving Dan before the door opened and Phil's grin grew wider still on sight of his boyfriend who looked more beautiful than ever, he thought.

Phil gave a small wave before stepping inside and pulling the younger boy into a soft kiss that would always say 'hello' better than the word itself. That was one thing Dan had taught Phil over the space of the last two months: actions certainly did speak _much_ louder than words ever could. The meaning behind a kiss or a touch or a smile would be deeper than some wordy explanation of the same feeling; easier, effortless and infinitely more sincere.

Phil was happy that day, Dan made any day better, however, on the other side Dan had been growing slightly less so lately, much less happy than he thought he should be right now, but unfortunately he knew exactly what the problem was too. The only bigger issue than that was he had no idea how to explain it to Phil. So as he ushered Phil inside, leading him to the kitchen, Dan couldn't help but feel a familiar, yet uncomfortable distance from the boy he was growing to love, dare he think the word. Knowing still they may not even last, it hurt for Dan to think of how hard he'd fallen for Phil while it could all still go to waste, and he was terrified of admitting his feelings out loud for that exact reason. The feeling was painfully obvious when he noticed the adoring smile on his Phil's lips as he offered the cute boy in his kitchen a cup of tea with nothing more than the silent shrug of his shoulders, pointing at the mug.

That was the problem; Dan hated being so silent with Phil, always just texting or resorting to some crude gesture he could only _hope_ Phil interpreted correctly. Neither were great substitutes for the sign language Dan had been using his entire life to express himself, but of course there was the small problem of the bit of a language barrier posed, seeing as Phil didn't know a single sign. It was frustrating beyond anything Dan had expected, but was it really too much to ask if Phil wanted something to last between them? It wasn't easy to learn, Dan would admit, like any language really, but after two months and Phil hadn't even made any indication about wanting to try...

As they moved together into the lounge, steaming mugs of tea now in hand, Dan couldn't help but feel a bit down. He allowed Phil to pull him into their usual cuddling position, Dan's head resting on Phil's chest, arm wrapped across his stomach, and they settled before Phil began to speak. This was a habit they'd picked up a few weeks back when Dan had caved to a certain curiosity. He wanted to know _everything_ about Phil, form the most accurate picture of the boy in his head as he could for whenever Phil was away and Dan was missing him. Although he knew how impossible it was for him to ever experience it the way everyone else could, Dan had wanted to know what Phil _sounded_ like, just to complete the image he could hold in his imagination. It was one thing to watch how excited Phil could get typing what felt like a full novel on just about any subject he was the least bit passionate about, totally amazing to watch his face light up those first few weeks whenever they'd realised they shared a common interest; now though, for the first time in his life, Dan realised he felt somewhat depraved, like he was missing out on something important and that something was the full, unabridged experience of _Phil_.

Dan had tried to ask, but describing your own voice to someone wasn't exactly the easiest of tasks, so Dan had come up with a solution almost as good when Phil inevitably failed: _Don't type, just speak_ , Dan had texted before taking Phil's phone, leaning forward to place it out of reach then shuffling back so he could lay his head high on Phil's chest. It felt a little strange at first to Phil, knowing he was speaking things he wanted Dan to hear, but which he never would be able to. As soon as Phil realised how content Dan looked lying there so close to him, however, feeling the vibrations in Phil's chest and his heartbeat, it all became a little more natural. Secretly, Phil liked to believe when Dan was there he knew Phil's heart was beating just for him, because that was certainly how Phil felt now and as feelings went that was a particularly warm one.

Being that close to Phil was something Dan did enjoy too. He could always tell when Phil had had a good or bad day based on the rhythms of the vibrations of his voice, and he liked playing around, feeling Phil's heart rate increase whenever Dan let his touch trail down the side of Phil's waist or across the top of his thigh. But doing all that meant Dan missed seeing the older boy's face when he spoke, and the same issue came up again with texts. Staring at a screen just wasn't the same and Dan didn't like it. In fact, he grew to resent the fact he couldn't communicate with Phil properly the longer it went on.

This particular day just happened to be the final straw. Over the slow period of two months it had grown too hard for Dan to constantly remind himself he shouldn't get frustrated with himself, and Phil wasn't really allowed to get frustrated either, seeing as he was the one with the choice; he'd known what he was getting himself into in the beginning. Maybe, Dan decided, _he_ had forgotten just how difficult it could be. After all, it had been a good few years in which he'd been scared to date for this very reason, but when he'd met Phil he'd been so sure it would be different to last time. _It shouldn't be this hard_ , he thought; all he wanted to do was talk to Phil the way he knew how.

Feeling Phil's heartbeat, but for once not really paying attention, Dan felt his mind slipping away to darker places as he mulled all these thoughts over in his mind. It made him feel like crying with how trapped he was right now, caught between the impossible situations of loving Phil, because yes, he did and he couldn't escape that anymore, but knowing if nothing changed before long he simply wouldn't be able to do this anymore. He didn't want to think about that right now, why ruin a night when Phil was here and he could always cry later? Without realizing, however, he'd let out a mournful sigh that didn't escape Phil's notice.

The older boy stopped talking immediately, glancing down to be shocked when he noticed the small tear slipping down Dan's cheek. Gently pushing Dan away so he could lean forward, Phil grabbed his phone from the table, quickly typing out a concerned message, suddenly worried about Dan, but not so much that he couldn't feel hope that soon would come the day he no longer had to type words to Dan, but he could sign them instead.

 _What's wrong, Dan, babe? You seem upset_ , Phil typed, although it was fairly obvious Dan was beyond simply a little 'upset', but he passed the phone over to Dan who'd now sat up properly, too far away from Phil for his liking. He gave the black-haired boy a sad glance before typing out his reply and passing it back for Phil to read. He hadn't answered the question, instead only posed his own vague one in response, a question that broke Phil's heart to read.

 _Do you hate the fact we have to communicate by text all the time?_

Phil's hand was trembling a little as he wrote his own answer without hesitation. He should have guessed something like this would come up eventually; it would have been too naive to believe Dan couldn't see the one fault in their relationship, the one Phil had been working so hard to fix and to get around the best he could until the time he could. He _did_ hate the fact their communication could be so slow and always seemed a little removed from one another, just because of the medium they were forced to work with, but he hated the fact Dan was upset about it too even more. It wasn't like it was Dan's fault and Phil knew he wouldn't be able to bear it if Dan blamed himself, that would just be stupid. The only fear Phil had worse than that, however, was it turning out Dan felt _Phil_ should blame him too.

 _Dan, I'm never going to hate the fact you're deaf, if that's what you're trying to get out of me,_ Phil typed, trying to remain stern in his expression as he did so _. If it's something that makes you who you are then I wouldn't want to change a single part of it._

It would have been too easy, however, for Dan to just accept that and be fine. It wasn't going to happen because that wasn't the end of it, that was barely the beginning. Another frustrated sigh was let out as Dan angrily typed out his reply, refusing to meet Phil's gaze because he didn't want to direct his frustrations there at the innocent boy; he just wanted to be annoyed at the world for once.

 _I'm not saying you should_ , his reply seemed cold when Phil read it. _It's not your fault, but it's not my fault either. I have to keep telling myself that, though, because that's what it feels like sometimes, but maybe it's just easiest to blame myself, I don't know Phil. I just really hate having this barrier between us._ Phil felt cold reading it, looking up slowly but the mockingly bright electronic screen seemed to haunt Dan's normally bright eyes, dulled now from the pain they hid in plain sight.

It wasn't that bad was it? Sure, the situation wasn't ideal, but as far as things went, Phil had thought they were getting around the barrier pretty nicely. It was only a temporary solution, after all, at least for a few more weeks until Phil's course had finished. When he'd decided he wanted to surprise Dan at the end of it, though, he hadn't expected the poor boy to begin to feel like this half way through.

 _Dan, don't say that_ , Phil answered, the words having as much pain woven through them as the accompanying expression, and Phil was almost glad he wouldn't have to say this out loud; he was sure his voice would have choked up half way through and he'd never get the words out. Instead, all he had to deal with was his shaking hands and autocorrect fixed that. _You can't blame yourself, that's not fair. And we're getting around the barrier, what do you mean?_

Phil asked the question hoping it would be something simple, something easy he could fix, but this pain seemed to be something deeply personal that Dan wasn't about to share so readily. Phil wanted to respect that, but couldn't help but feel it was because there was a small lack of trust there that he didn't want to think about. It really hurt knowing Dan couldn't be completely open with him for whatever reason that may be.

 _I don't expect you to understand, Phil. I'm sorry, but it's just hard okay. I'm not quite sure exactly what's wrong myself and I don't know how to explain it because I've never felt like this before._

Dan's words, in all honesty, scared Phil a little. It was obviously a totally different interpretation than what Phil meant when _he_ wondered about how Dan made him feel things he'd never felt before; that was clearly positive, something beautiful and pure and possibly it could be called love, but this most definitely was not a happy feeling Dan was experiencing.

 _Felt like what_? Phil asked fearfully, scolding himself for barely being able to keep it together enough to type, his hands trembling so much now he was threatening to drop the phone. He kept his gaze trained on Dan, wincing as he watched his boyfriend's expression slowly turn from one of just frustration to what looked like anger. Phil desperately hoped it wasn't, but even as he did so he was shrinking back against the couch, away from Dan, terrified he'd said the wrong thing finally after weeks of the same fear. He'd been trying, he'd been trying so hard, Phil knew he had; what felt like every moment of his time he wasn't either at work or with Dan, he'd been trying and he was nearly there, he was getting so good. He just didn't want to disappoint Dan with a half-hearted attempt either, he needed it to be perfect, but Dan wasn't going to let him wait that long and maybe it was already too late.

The thought struck Phil cold and he could only watch in silence while Dan typed out a furious response at amazing speed. In that moment Dan felt like he was mad at everything, mad at the universe, mad in general. Mad at Phil. He tried to remind himself this wasn't the poor boy's fault even as he blamed him. There was nothing Phil could do to change Dan's situation and this wasn't the first time he'd told Dan he wouldn't want to either, but to Dan, it seemed, Phil had been so insistent on loving him unconditionally he hadn't even opened his eyes wide enough to see the great big looming wall between them.

Phil had never been in this situation before, though, whereas Dan had. Dan had seen it coming and he should have known better than to expect Phil would be any different from the last boyfriend. That one years ago who'd also chosen not to realise their stupid, crappy excuse for communication would break down eventually, because try as hard as you wanted, Dan knew you just couldn't base an entire relationship on texting alone. It just wasn't real enough, it wasn't _intimate_ enough for the feelings that were supposed to develop. Truthfully, it felt like Dan was having a relationship with his phone screen instead of Phil most of the time, and he wasn't okay with that anymore. It was never fair either, because he just wanted to let himself love Phil but he'd gotten in too deep now for it not to hurt when he pulled away. He'd have to too, because he just couldn't express any of these feelings well enough to Phil, not the way he knew how to, and that was only leaving him angry with himself and at Phil and at everything that had dumped what, only now, felt like the biggest pile of shit on top of him.

He was supposed to be in love but it had never felt this bad before; nothing had ever been an inconvenience like loving Phil was, and it didn't have to be this way, Dan knew. He just happened to let himself fall in love with another boy who's words of adoration and acceptance were all lies, because Phil couldn't care all that much about him if he wasn't even prepared to try and communicate properly. _Was sign language really such a hassle for someone to learn_ , Dan thought viciously as he typed.

 _Like I want to be different, Phil. Like I want to change myself and my situation and do you have_ any _idea at all how sucky a feeling that is? My entire life this has been absolutely nothing to me. It's just been another part of me and my identity, and it's been fine, it hasn't made a fucking difference until you came along and you just had to be all adorable and perfect and wonderful and all I want is to be able to speak to you normally, normal for me, and to make you as happy as I should be able to, because I thought you deserved that, but I can't because I can't listen to you and what you need and I can't tell you how much I lov_ -

Dan got that far into the word before furiously back spacing, shaking his head at the interruption to his rant, but he couldn't admit his feelings to Phil _now_ , not now they didn't even matter anyway because as soon as Phil read all of this they were probably going to break up anyway. Sadly, Dan sighed as he continued; he wasn't sure he wanted Phil to read all of this anymore, but it was too late now; Phil had already seen him type all of it so far, and Dan knew he'd insist on reading it regardless of any consequences. The thought he might do something he'd regret later when it hurt was never one to cross Phil's mind.

 _I can't tell you how I feel properly over text without it feeling fake_ , Dan continued, wanting to calm down and bring it back around but he wasn't sure how, making this just another reason to add to the sudden pile of things to hate about himself. If he'd learnt one thing, however, it was that he wasn't supposed to apologise for his feelings even if they weren't particularly nice ones. _I shouldn't have to feel like that, Phil. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to be different just to be with you, but some days I do and it really, really sucks and today is just one of those days so please, I know that's a lot of shit to deal with, but I don't want you to say anything kind or supporting, or anything like that. I just need to kinda hate this sometimes on my own, okay? I'm sorry._

Dan finished on a note much sadder than the frustration he'd started out with, and he handed the phone back with eyes squeezed shut tight so he couldn't take in Phil's reaction. Instead, he just gave up, leaning over to rest his head timidly on Phil's shoulder again as he felt hot tears begin to slide down his cheeks. He didn't know what Phil would say, so he'd savour the few silent seconds he had before Phil's reaction.

As for Phil, reading Dan's words sent an icy shiver through his blood, turning his heart cold and making him feel like someone had reached into his chest and was twisting it violently in their hands. Dan _couldn't_ feel like that; Phil didn't even want to _think_ about the agony Dan seemed to be in right now, but he knew he had to. He'd promised Dan he was in this with him one hundred percent and he wasn't going to back out of a promise. He knew what he had to do, even though he was scared he wasn't going to be very good and it did totally ruined the whole surprise plan he'd had. _Screw the plan, though_ , he thought, and screw ideals, because he knew Dan needed him right now and relationships simply weren't perfect like they were in the books or the movies. Some things had to be a little out of place and a little unconventional; Phil could only hope he didn't screw up so badly the sincerity behind his intentions was lost.

As Dan timidly opened his eyes, leaning away, the fear Phil could see there was so real it broke his heart a little more, and looking down at the scared boy beneath him Phil prayed what he was about to do would make all of Dan's pain better. Phil reached out, taking the soft hands of his brunet dancer between his own who's deep brown eyes were wide now as Phil met them with his own gaze before speaking a single word: Dan's name, out loud for the first time.

Dan couldn't hear Phil, of course, but that didn't diminish the passion Phil spoke with by any amount. Silent, Phil's expression still conveyed the heartache Dan was causing him, just to make it all worse, as Dan shook his head quietly. He didn't want Phil's pity or sympathy, he'd said that already. There wasn't anything the older boy could say that would make this day any less shit and Dan didn't want to watch Phil suffer through trying. All he wanted was just to cry in Phil's arms for a while and let it all out, hoping he'd come out a little better on the other side.

Hesitantly, Dan took the phone back, cringing as he typed out words that were much too harsh to use against someone as gentle as Phil. _I said no, okay. Please, it's been a shit day already just thinking about all of this. It's how I feel and I need you to respect that because you can't change it. I know it hurts and I'm sorry it's sudden, I've just-_ Dan paused, a sudden sob cut off as he caught his breath, realizing what he was about to type but it had to be said. There was no point continuing to hide the truth.

 _I've just finally realised why people like me stick together and we don't date people like you, because it's just too fucking hard sometimes to interact in a way that can be normal for both of us. I sign, you speak and neither of us can do both and I've realised I'm just scared that means I'll never be able to be with you properly. I can't keep you, but I'm scared of losing you, Phil, because-_

This time when Dan stopped typing it was because Phil had been reading over the younger boy's shoulder and, being unable to bear reading any more, had taken the phone away. He just couldn't let Dan keep thinking like that when he didn't even know how much effort Phil had been putting in for two months now trying to solve that very problem for them.

A deep, nervous breath was taken as Phil waited for Dan to frown up at him in timid confusion before Phil could smile, a sudden giddy excitement over what he was actually about to do overcoming him. It was far from fluid, and Phil still didn't quite feel natural as he raised his hands in front of him, but his intentions were pure and as Dan's eyes grew wide, it was clear Phil was signing an unmistakable _'I love you_.'

Dan clamped a hand over his mouth in shock as Phil grinned, the phone now laying forgotten on the couch between them, and for a wild moment Dan was about to smile, thinking they'd never have to use that phone again, but surely this just couldn't be real, could it? It was, it _definitely_ was, Dan decided as Phil signed again, more confidently this time, the most beautiful thing Dan had ever seen someone do with their hands. _'Dan, I love you_.'

 _'You learnt sign language?_ ' Dan signed back, a little slower than he would normally because he assumed Phil would still be in the earliest stages of learning; little did he know, the black haired boy had signed up for an online course the very next morning after meeting Dan.

Dan allowed his smile to grow wide finally, however, as he watched Phil's adorable concentration face develop; tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth as he frowned slightly, focusing on his hands rather than on Dan while he clumsily signed his answer.

 _'I didn't like the barrier either.'_

And at that Dan's heart melted a little under the heat of a million overwhelming emotions. He wanted to retract _everything_ he'd just said, delete those texts forever and beg Phil for forgiveness for ever doubting him, but he knew Phil believed there was nothing to forgive, and now there was only happiness, ecstasy as it really sunk in that Phil had just told Dan _he loved him_.

From what little coherent thought Dan had left, initially he was going to pause to sign the same in return, but he just couldn't hold himself back from Phil that long. Right now, after everything, Dan just couldn't bear to not be kissing his boyfriend for another second, so he let instinct take over. Throwing himself forward into the closest of hugs and a long kiss, he hoped his tears of pure joy could be enough to let Phil know how special he was for now, and Dan could save the signing for the rest of their lives.


End file.
